upcoming

Hey there, Miami. I am back in town after a wonderful vacation in London and Berlin. I found some gems that I want to share with you all, in case you head across the pond and need advice. I am considering starting right now, but last night I danced like a dork for hours and attempted to show up this girl who was doing one-armed push-ups at this club, but I could only do a few them with both my arms. This is possibly because I had been drinking for eleven hours straight and had little balance, as well as limited movement from my tight Opening Ceremony, birthday dress. Every muscle hurts and is angry with me. Let's just say I'll start tomorrow.

Cheers!

random shtuff

More Jacuzzi Boys. Last show was great, and I think there will be a greatness repeat. Do it.

Cindy McCain is weak and strange. Couldn't take a handshake.

The Roots at the Fillmore on October 8th-- keep this in mind.

Mufasa Month, Bro

I am a Leo, and every August I take a vacation and I get the hell out of town. This year, I'll be on holiday (as Eddie says) twice: New York this weekend, and London and Berlin the following Friday, for a week. This means that if you want to do wrong by me, wanna tongue an ex of mine in plain, public view, or talk a ton of trash about how lame I am, these will be the times to do so. Of course Miami, bro needs a break from the Miami-life. Miami, bro can, and will travel, and then tell you all about it. Just because, bro. Why the fuck not? I'll be Chilling in NY, bro and then Straight Chilling in London, bro, and finally, Fucking Chilling the Fuck Out in Berlin, bro.

You know how it is.

Bayfront, bro

Don't know if I can afford this, but I really want to go. It makes me sad that I'm underpaid and handle my money poorly.

chongas in chancs

Here are the many faces of Chongalicious. These chicks were two thumbs up, cute and funny. Here's John, Jessenia and I with the talented two. That last picture is just a gratuitous shot of that sock man. If you can, zoom into the crotch area. Something special.

happiest b-days, Myamah

I ended up attending both of my weekend suggestions. The Bar was mostly an uneventful five hours of evening drinking, which, as always, led to a long and eventful night.

The One-One-Two: Imagine Miami Reborn, Miami 112th B-day Party, presented by Camposition, was a very interesting event, and I have a bunch of pictures to tell the tale. This will end in 2 blogs, I imagine, picture-wise. For being "Miami's" birthday party, the event was wholly un-Miami in most ways but for the intensely overwhelming heat and humidity. There were all sorts of cretins, creatives, and perverts in costumes fit for the best Karen Black-circus-burlesque-Halloween party. Over on the left there was the scariest person in a painted sock at the event, and there below is Jasmine, the loveliest lady of the night in costume. The reason I say that the event was very un-Miami is that... let me say this gently... I think Miami is a beautiful place with much to offer in terms of creativity and cultural, but it is not a place that typically celebrates "otherness," or strangeness, as this night did. Don't get me wrong, I

loved the weird, I think we need more of that here in the MIA, but it was, in and of itself, a celebration not necessarily best suited for our sunny mecca of sexy. With that said, I thought the event was funny, and fun, and engaging. Most importantly, don't let me forget to mention that it was sponsored by Churchill's Pub, which was also named one of America's best bars by Esquire Magazine (as were Zeke's, the Deuce, and Jimbo's!). I'm putting up a separate Chungalicious blog-- they were fabulous.

Here were some other highlights: the incredibly talented Karl Ferrari on guitar, accompanied by flamenco dancing, Blowfly out of costume (he came out in costume spewing words like balls and pussy, afterward), and a very interesting dude dancing with the best dancer in the place, about 20 years his junior.

Future Pres

Yesterday, I took the day off of work so that I could experience our future president's oratory style, firsthand. Sen. Obama spoke, at the BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise, to a packed house of mostly African Americans. Instead of waiting with the masses, I surreptitiously snuck in with the crippled folks and other jerk-offs (or are we geniuses?) through the ADA door. Once inside, the excitement was deliciously tingly! Thousands of people coming together for the same purpose is a very inspiring experience. I forced my way onto the floor and stood for four hours in a tight crowd of angry, funny and interesting people. It was worth the wait. I made friends, enemies and had the privilege of standing less than 10 feet from one of the most convincing, elegant, eloquent, and natural speakers I have encountered.

Obama arrived to screams and cheers and immediately left the podium to walk and talk to the audience in a comfortable manner around the stage, "like Oprah," he said. He managed to joke with the attending constituents while responding to his opponents criticisms. He spoke of the importance of veterans' benefits by referring to his grandfather's service in the military during WWII. Described how the GI Bill provided his family with shelter and education, allowing him to get to where he is at today, showing that although he hasn't himself fought in a war, his family has sacrificed for this country. The audience responded the most enthusiastically to his comments on healthcare; he noted that McCain hasn't proposed his own solution to the grave injustices in our current system. That was his only mention of other candidates that I could hear (the acoustics were terrible) beside mentioning that this election is not a blame game. He stuck to defending his stances on the issues, including his rejection of suspension of the fuel task this summer, which has been supported by Hillary and McCain.

We had a lot of laughs. One guy yelled out, "we got your back, b!" Afterward, the same man told us that he would be following the Obama trail to DC. He stood as long as we did on the floor, for hours, and as we walked up the stairs, I noticed he had a significant limp. Obama had inspired us all, and made the discomfort of the wait (8 years/4 hours) worth it.

Thanks to Marco O'Toole for the brilliant photograph on his fancy phone.

ashamm al hawaa'

When I was about ten or so, as we often did in the summertime, my mom drove my brother and I to visit her hometown of Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. One day, my great Uncle George drove us,and his gambling buddy, with a lady's name, Christie, up into the Poconos to get a glimpse of the green valleys and mountains that surround that ugly, old coal mining town. As we stood at a scenic lookout point over the plunging emerald hills, Uncle George (all five hundred pounds of him), turned to us and taught Jim and I the first clean words we ever learned in Arabic: "ashamm al hawaa'"! Smell the air! We repeated the phrase again and again, memorizing it, smell the fresh air! And the air up there was worth breathing.

Over the past few days, the air has been noxiously not breath-worthy in South Florida. On Sunday, I attempted to sit in my parents' pool with my friend in from London, and as we chatted, our eyes slowly closed and became crimson while ashes fell from the sky like snow. It was repulsive and my sinuses were inflamed with anger. Every day since this fire started, I feel like my head is on fire and I'm so unbelievably tired!

The worst part is that it's not going to end anytime soon, and it was started by an arsonist. What an a-hole. Right? I mean, what's the point? How much of an erection does s/he get from watching the flames and the allergies of Miamians flare? I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't turn me on.

The Miami Herald keeps saying that the weather is changing and will improve conditions for firefighters, but they've been saying that for five days now. More than 40,000 acres have been destroyed, prisoners from Krome were removed and the habitat for the endangered Cape Sable Seaside Sparrow has been threatened. I just hope it ends soon so I can again leave my front door open and smell the deliciously hot, sweaty, Miami summer air and have my eyes returned to me less swollen.

(Thank you to my most beautiful, brilliant cousin Farrah Farley for being so linguistically talented. If you need an Arabic translator, let me know.)

A few local and world updates

I want to start by letting everyone know that my strong, brilliant, beautiful Lebanese sista, Diane Rehm, will be speaking in Downtown Miami this Thursday, May 22, 2008. If you don't know about her and her sad, strange, shaky voice, please tune into 91.3, WLRN, the local NPR station (for those of you who just learned to read), at 10a.m. on weekdays. Click on her for tickets.

Tragedies in the news:
Senator Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor. Those poor Kennedys. American royalty.
Patrick Swayze is going to die soon from pancreatic cancer.
An earthquake wiped out at least 13,000 people in China last week in the Sichuan Province. I need to tell you why I think China will never become the world's superpower, and this incident is reflective of my reasoning.
A cyclone in Myanmar killed more than 100,000 people.

More fun stuff:
My super cool friend Henry was promoting this, I imagine he'll be making beautiful music:
GOLD DUST LOUNGE, Friday June 6, 2008 at 7:00 PM, Books & Books, 265 Aragon Ave, Coral Gables

From sweatrecordsmiami.blogspot.com, a few highlights:
Friday, May 23
--STUDIO A: YO MAJESTY 7pm, tickets: $12 in advance, $15 day of show. 60 NE 11th St.
--RAG*TRADE: Sweat Records welcomes the newest member of it's retail family. Come to the grand re-opening!! myspace.com/ragtradeco
Monday, June 2
--STUDIO A: NADA SURF perform live!! Tickets $15, 7pm. 60 NE 11th St.
Monday, June 9
--VAMPIRE WEEKEND, Tickets $20 at Sweat Records, Fillmore, 1700 Washington Ave.

There is a ton more stuff on there, including George Michael in August (I'm going). Check it out.

Some good news for your inner demons. I hear that a new Gothic party will be starting at the Upper East Side Garden, I believe the first Friday of the month! And like they'll be playing the good, dark shit, no Marilyn Manson baloney. I'll keep you updated.

The door is open but the ride ain't free!

I'm missing out on this HOTNESS tonight. If you go to the show, tell him I LOVE HIM. LIZ LOVES THE BOSS.

Best Boss lyric: "You ain't a beauty, but hey, you're alright."

If you've got a favorite Springsteen lyric, please add.

Jose Gonzalez Show Update

You know you're in Miami when...

you call flip-flops chancletas
you wear chancletas EVERYWHERE
you live 15 minutes from the beach, but you never go
the car behind you honks their horn because you stopped at a red light
you get mad if the DJ doesn't play salsa, meringue, bachata, or reggaeton at a party
you buy your party food at Blue Sky
you refer to your hometown as 305 or MIA
you know you can't get a job without speaking Spanish
you know you can't really get anywhere without speaking Spanish
you only go to a Marlins, Heat, or Dolphins game if they're on a winning streak
you instinctively buy gallons of water during hurricane season, just in case
you hope for a hurricane to come so you don't have to go to work/school
you know only tourists go clubbing on South Beach
you spend your summer days inside because it's hot as hell outside
you're so used to craziness that very few things surprise you anymore
you want to move out of Miami some day, but you say you'll come back
you know never to buy mangoes or avocados at a grocery store because you grow them in your backyard
you go to a store/business and the manager tells you "hablas espanol?" because they barely can speak English
you know your pastelitos
you know that Argentinians make the best steak for the best prices
you bump into Trick Daddy everywhere
you know to be out of Downtown by 6 pm
you have to wait 4 hours for a bus to come that's supposed to come by every 30 minutes
it's 60 degrees outside and you wear a sweater, a jacket, gloves, a scarf, a hat, and boots
you know the only time there's no traffic on the Palmetto is from 3-4am
you know at least one person who has more than six people living in their houses
your neighbor keeps chickens and goats in their back yard, and you're always worried you'll find one of them dead on your doorstep
you know the only hills are trash hills the only rivers you've seen are the Miami River and canals
you know any woman walking around after dark on Flagler or Biscayne is a prostitute
you own a guayabera or know what one is
you take your car to go one block down the street
you buy mamoncillos & limes while waiting in traffic
a light lunch consists of chicharrones and malta Hatuey
you see a sushi bar on every corner
you get your chicken from Pollo Tropical
your shrimp, lobster, and designer purses all come from one place: some guy's trunk in Hialeah you see girls wearing clubbing clothes to go to 7-11
there's a Navarro on every corner
you have to put on the invitations, "starts at 2:30pm," when the event really starts at 3:30pm just so people actually get there on time.

Paving the Glades for What?

This issue of "hold the line" is so important to us locally. I spoke in front of the MDC Commission on this a few years ago. If you care about the earth/the Everglades/your home/water, you'll care about this.

Hold The Line House Party
Date: February 20, 2008
Time: 6:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Location: Show map
Doc Thomas House 5530 Sunset DriveMiami, FL 33143
Phone: (305) 667-7337

Tropical Audubon Society cordially invites you to a Hold the Line Campaign Party at the Historic Doc Thomas House. In 2006, Hold the Line and citizens like you defeated 9 applications to move Miami-Dade's Urban Development Boundary. This year, developers again threaten to overcrowd our schools, overextend our fire and rescue services and clog the roads already taxing quality of life for Miami-Dade families. Come visit with friends; meet people who care about protecting our community. At the eat and greet you have the chance to find out what's been in store, ask questions and be empowered to make a difference!
Find out more on Hold the Line visit www.udbline.com.

NO MOZ, some Chloe

Tragically, Morrissey was out of commission last night, and his illness RUINED my evening! Anyway, I'm so sad about it. All day I had him on my mind, and it was a tragedy for me. Then, on top of losing out on singing along with my hero, Ticketmaster charged me $4.80 as a processing fee for the refunded tickets!

Enough complaining. We went to this bar on Miami Beach instead, Abraxas, on Meridian and 4th, and it had a great beer selection. However, on top of the yummy beer, Chloe Sevigny was there, drunk as hell, in a leopard print dress. I'll have a pic to post later. I was impressed, not by her acting or style, but rather that she was in such a random place on Miami Beach.

Bro, Nick, Bro

I'm posting this because Nick is my bro, and one of the funniest, funnest people I've ever met. (I know funnest is not a word, go with it.)

MOZ and MEX

I know I already mentioned this, but I am very, super psyched about seeing Morrissey tonight.
I'm sure you've all read about how much Mexican-Americans LOVE the MOZ. If not, here's a link.

Apparently Mexicans love Morrissey and The Smiths more than the rest of us. Can you believe that?
I spent hours crying and singing to this man's music, I deserve recognition. Make a movie about my adolescence and how David Marshall taped a small Morrissey/Smiths library for me and how I memorized every lyric while printing out tickets to Rocky Horror and other such movies at Riviera Cinema.
I feel like I should change my name to Selena and wear a poncho. I ate Taco Rico for lunch, that counts for something. I know it. I feel you Mexicans, I do.

Call Me an Old Gay

I'm totally going to see Morrissey, for only the second time in my life, this Thursday at Jackie Gleason! Don't look so jealous. I could die to Bona Drag.

But bro, like, I just wanna get fucked up and shit...

For good boozers

Fox's Sherron Inn
6030 South Dixie Highway
Everyone has their favorite place to pound a few drinks, right? Well, Fox's is mine. I mean, that doesn't take away from my profound love for, say, Churchill's, but there is something special about Fox's. I grew up right down the street, they have Patsy Cline on the FREE jukebox, 2-4-1 on Tuesday and Saturdays, old guys who like to just chat, not hit on you, darkness at 3 p.m., carafes of martini, the list goes on and on. Granted, the beer selection leaves something to be desired, but, there is food until late as hell, and I like the navy bean soup.
The Tuesday nights have become less than savory. Lots of young people dressed like they're hitting South Beach, if South Beach were ruled by hipsters. And the music has gone to shit on these 2-4-1 nights, but any other day or night, I say alright baby. If you stole that ceramic fox from Fox's I think you should return it. Also, you can walk to Sunset Tavern to play some pool, or to Booby Trap for boobies. Fox's is home.

Churchill's Pub
5501 NE 2nd Ave
My favorite Churchill's story is one that actually took place outside. If you've ever been before, you know that this location provides the most vile bathrooms the world has to offer. I mean, just putrid. I was there on Friday and there was a bloody maxi pad in the toilet, no lie. Back to the story. I had to pee, and I forced my brother to join me as a watch guard as I walked down the street to an empty lot to empty my bladder. As we walked, a lady with huge pendulous, naked breasts, wearing only her rib-high underwear, opened her screen door to yell at people across the street. My brother missed her, but I'll never forget this moment. Thanks Churchill's.
Not to scare you away. This is the best place in Miami to hear live music, hands down. They have great beer, they have booze, they have Strongbow on tap, man. I saw Dick Dale play there, most of my friends perform, I have read poetry, myself (don't mock), saw Costes "Little Birds Shit" http://www.costes.org/, I mean, really. Also, I have always dreamt of dating a Churchill's bartender.

The Bar
172 Giralda Ave
Coral Gables
At first, I thought The Bar was kind of overrated. However, after I started going to Tuesday night, Ladies' Night, I became hooked. Also, they give you free wings with a pitcher on Sundays. Shit like that makes me feel good about a place. The beer is good, good beer, booze. Corny jukebox, not far from home. I really think they have the best wings in Miami, overall.

The Abbey Brewing Company
1115 16th Street
Miami Beach
The Abbey is every beer drinker's favorite. If you don't drink beer, tough titties. They have very potent beers (The Abbey Quadruple), and a nice atmosphere. Old-timers and beach types intermingling. They took out the dart board, and honestly have lost MAJOR points with me on this, however, it's one of the best spots in Miami.

The Room
100 Collins Ave
Miami Beach
Hmmm. I once hated the Room. Now I like it. One complaint, there isn't enough cider (usually one on tap and another unpasturized one in a big bottle). There's no booze either. The Room, though, is the best place to end a long night of drinking on Miami Beach. It's a little too sceney for me, but I like the little coves you can sit in by the window and the bathroom usually had soft TP.

PS 14
28 NE 14th Street
One might say that the first 2 years this place opened, I spent at least 3 nights a week there. You might also say that I still spend entirely too much time at PS, but it's so much better than any other bar/club in Miami. The music, lately, has started to all sound the same, but I love this place for live music, pool, and my buddies. Someone always gets rowdy here and I appreciate the spirit of craziness.

Club Deuce
222 14th Street
Miami Beach
Cash only. Good jukebox. Creepy place. Great decor.

Flanigan's Seafood Bar and Grill
2721 Bird Ave
Coconut Grove
One word: ribs.