Alaska Family Values

Turns out, McCain running mate, K. Sarah Palin Walker's 17 year old is knocked up and single. I know this is sort of run of the mill in Alaska, but makes us city folk a bit nervous. Bristol Palin has "plans" to marry baby daddy, and also has a tragically unfortunate name. I think that I actually visited Bristol, Maine, and everyone there is unmarried and has a litter of dirty, uneducated children who breathe fossil fuels instead of oxygen. No lie. 

I guess McCain's really setting himself apart from those sexually responsible, condom totting, heathen Democrats. Remember, wasn't Chelsea such a fucking whore? No wait, that was her daddy. Chelsea's like a goddess, and she works like a slave in banking; she's a genius. Now Bristol... if mama were responsible enough to run a government, she would've brought you one of these many tools we use to prevent pregnancy, seen below. Or maybe have been nice enough to get another family member to drive you to Planned Parenthood of Alaska.  

I always knew she was evil!

I'm copying basically this whole article where Roseanne Barr explains why Angelina Jolie sucks my butt. I'm sure when Angie's thinking of McCain, she's also thinking about her wallet. What a faker.
Seriously, I'm starting to believe that those Benetton children are just like puppies in a handbag for her. She clearly doesn't care about giving them a role model by supporting the only viable half-African candidate for pres we've ever had. What a douche. And now her and that cheating dolt Brad are creating a band of douches that will probably go on to vote against human rights and for waterboarding just like mama. Hopefully they all turn against hypocritelina and vote Dem when they grow up into spoilt celeb-teen bastards.

"Evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more," Roseanne writes.
"Also Miss Jolie says she likes McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh? Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's
worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan?" she adds.
"Or that matter, the Thai and Vietnamese sons you are photo'd with
weekly too!!!? Who's pictures you sell to raise money to help the poor? Their families are victims of America' s right wing military incursions too," she continues. "It might be good for your Asian and African children's self esteem to know you support [Barack Obama] for the leader of the free world," the comedienne finishes.

McCain Called His Wife a CUNT in Public-- Freaking GOP

Please read this, from the Huffington Post. (Thanks for the heads up Nico!)

"...The only other thing about McCain is that he once called his wife the C word in public. Other than that he seems to have a pretty clean--

Wait, what did you just say?

McCain called his wife the C word in public. It's in Cliff Schecter's new book The Real McCain. And three reporters verified the incident. Here's an excerpt:

Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.

Hold on, let me drop the facetious tone I was using for the front part of this piece. John McCain called his wife the C-word (or for people from England: cunt) in front of a bunch of people?!!!!! And we're talking about Obama's preacher? McCain dropped a C-bomb and we're spending hours on Hillary exaggerating a trip to Bosnia?!!!"

Votas, yo

I know that you, like me, are psyched about Super Tuesday (that's tomorrow, you ignoramuses, j/k, j/j). Over twenty states, and American Samoa, will tell the rest of us how they feel about such fabulousness as Obama and the serious ambition of Hillary, the resident evil of Huckabee, the hypocrisy of Romney, and the real darkness... McCain!

I know what you're thinking. "But I thought McCain was okay." No, he's not. He's tainted. Don't vote for him (write to me and I'll get into it with you). He's a puppet of the GOP and he looks like Michael Jackson.

Some interesting knowledge I've gained this election is about American territories. Guam, American Samoa (very unlike the Girl Scout Samoas, which are melt-in-your mouth delicious), PR, and the US Virgin Islands all have some voting privileges. Decent ones, at that! I just thought I'd mention this. Please read more on Slate.

Also, did you know that Republicans and Democrats vote on different days in South Carolina because they can't stand being in the same voting area as each other; some antiquated racist shit.

There's my electoral info.

Also, there will be a show at Churchill's tomorrow. Come support Danny L. and many other local artist who I love dearly and sometimes respect.