But bro, like, I just wanna get fucked up and shit...

For good boozers

Fox's Sherron Inn
6030 South Dixie Highway
Everyone has their favorite place to pound a few drinks, right? Well, Fox's is mine. I mean, that doesn't take away from my profound love for, say, Churchill's, but there is something special about Fox's. I grew up right down the street, they have Patsy Cline on the FREE jukebox, 2-4-1 on Tuesday and Saturdays, old guys who like to just chat, not hit on you, darkness at 3 p.m., carafes of martini, the list goes on and on. Granted, the beer selection leaves something to be desired, but, there is food until late as hell, and I like the navy bean soup.
The Tuesday nights have become less than savory. Lots of young people dressed like they're hitting South Beach, if South Beach were ruled by hipsters. And the music has gone to shit on these 2-4-1 nights, but any other day or night, I say alright baby. If you stole that ceramic fox from Fox's I think you should return it. Also, you can walk to Sunset Tavern to play some pool, or to Booby Trap for boobies. Fox's is home.

Churchill's Pub
5501 NE 2nd Ave
My favorite Churchill's story is one that actually took place outside. If you've ever been before, you know that this location provides the most vile bathrooms the world has to offer. I mean, just putrid. I was there on Friday and there was a bloody maxi pad in the toilet, no lie. Back to the story. I had to pee, and I forced my brother to join me as a watch guard as I walked down the street to an empty lot to empty my bladder. As we walked, a lady with huge pendulous, naked breasts, wearing only her rib-high underwear, opened her screen door to yell at people across the street. My brother missed her, but I'll never forget this moment. Thanks Churchill's.
Not to scare you away. This is the best place in Miami to hear live music, hands down. They have great beer, they have booze, they have Strongbow on tap, man. I saw Dick Dale play there, most of my friends perform, I have read poetry, myself (don't mock), saw Costes "Little Birds Shit" http://www.costes.org/, I mean, really. Also, I have always dreamt of dating a Churchill's bartender.

The Bar
172 Giralda Ave
Coral Gables
At first, I thought The Bar was kind of overrated. However, after I started going to Tuesday night, Ladies' Night, I became hooked. Also, they give you free wings with a pitcher on Sundays. Shit like that makes me feel good about a place. The beer is good, good beer, booze. Corny jukebox, not far from home. I really think they have the best wings in Miami, overall.

The Abbey Brewing Company
1115 16th Street
Miami Beach
The Abbey is every beer drinker's favorite. If you don't drink beer, tough titties. They have very potent beers (The Abbey Quadruple), and a nice atmosphere. Old-timers and beach types intermingling. They took out the dart board, and honestly have lost MAJOR points with me on this, however, it's one of the best spots in Miami.

The Room
100 Collins Ave
Miami Beach
Hmmm. I once hated the Room. Now I like it. One complaint, there isn't enough cider (usually one on tap and another unpasturized one in a big bottle). There's no booze either. The Room, though, is the best place to end a long night of drinking on Miami Beach. It's a little too sceney for me, but I like the little coves you can sit in by the window and the bathroom usually had soft TP.

PS 14
28 NE 14th Street
One might say that the first 2 years this place opened, I spent at least 3 nights a week there. You might also say that I still spend entirely too much time at PS, but it's so much better than any other bar/club in Miami. The music, lately, has started to all sound the same, but I love this place for live music, pool, and my buddies. Someone always gets rowdy here and I appreciate the spirit of craziness.

Club Deuce
222 14th Street
Miami Beach
Cash only. Good jukebox. Creepy place. Great decor.

Flanigan's Seafood Bar and Grill
2721 Bird Ave
Coconut Grove
One word: ribs.