Thursday, July 31, 2008

Why I'm holding out...

If anyone wants to know why I'm such a relationship failure, the reason is because I am holding out for Stephen Colbert. I wish I could express my love for him in words, but it's like this welling up of admiration which results in the thoughts: I'm not sure if I want to be around him or just be more like him. It sounds sick, but let me tell you, it is. He's the best. He's my hero.

Please watch him sing beautifully with Crosby, Stills and Nash. Click here.

best of, bro

Here's my claim: Le Royal in South Miami (7370 SW 57th Ave) has THE best croissants and tarts in Miami. The end.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

pointless rant about dog poop

For the past week, I've been walking my parent's dogs twice daily as they've been lounging under palm frond umbrellas, and scaling the sides of volcanoes in Hawaii. One of the dogs is like my sister. She's lived with us for thirteen of her fourteen years, and she's only become more beautiful, sweet and, more importantly, less vocal. Jimmy calls her our Golden Girl, and she is as old, cute and funny as Dorothy (funny) or Rose (cute). The other dog is a little cutie they recently inherited from a neighbor who died, and whom they took in because she was an orphan and my mom felt like she could relate to her. However, she is loud. She's loud and she poops everywhere... all the time. She needs to be walked twice a day, and still I find little droplets of poo around every corner.

This morning at 6:30, they started with the barking. The older one first, just random barks, saying, "let me piss in the backyard." and then the younger one, who's too good to do the deed in the backyard, chimed in at about 7, you know, a.m. I put them out back where they continued to be completely liberated females. At almost 9, when the sound of their barks made me want to rip my own ears out, I finally got up and took them on a walk around the block. Now, you have to understand that I have a cat. My cat is being neglected at home because these canines are as needy as 20 children. I have had my large, handsome, tom cat for over 7 years now, and he's well loved. I love loving him, and it's easy to love him; all he does is eat, sleep, cuddle and shit in or around the litter box. I have never known the stresses of dog life. I mean, if my cat meows, it's cute, and if I tell him to stop, he stops, but these beasts, they don't stop, they won't stop.

Anyway, the point of this story was to note that I have never really had to care about any animals' bowel movements before, other than my own. My brother and I are heavy duty gas musicians- and this has been cause for some embarrassment and much laughter- but when it comes time to do the duty (doodie), I know what's to be done and where to go. However, with the new little dog, I have to trail it around around CG for at least 15 minutes watching its ass, waiting for something to be uncovered. I can't even think about going home before it makes its case, or else I dread the clean up I'll have to endure after I arrive home from work. To make matters worse, it seems she will only drop her deuces on the lawn of our neighbor who is always looking outside, and also on the grass in front of the house the 2 priests live in. Yes, she's subversive, and that's admirable, but I swear, it makes me so stressed, waiting for her to pinch off a loaf. I mean real, real stress, too.

I cannot wait until this dog watching is over and I can go back to the quiet love of my gigantic cat-beast. But until then I'm imagining the presents waiting for me at my parents' home.

Maybe this could sway the Cuban vote? Pass the on the word...

Posted by South Florida Daily Blog:

Herald: Boycott McCain!
WASHINGTON -- The pending merger of American beer giant Anheuser-Busch and a Belgian company that brews and sells beer in Cuba is thrusting John McCain into the middle of thorny Cuba-U.S. relations.McCain's wife, Cindy, owns the third-largest Anheuser-Busch distributor in the country -- which means she would stand to profit by partnering with a company that is in business with the Cuban government.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bayfront, bro

Don't know if I can afford this, but I really want to go. It makes me sad that I'm underpaid and handle my money poorly.

CG eating, bro

Here are 3 Coral Gables eateries I want to try over the next month or so. Hopefully I'll be able to tell you if they suck or not before September comes around, though I think these are the types of places I make it to because they close by the time I'm lurking hungrily around the hood.
Le Boudoir - All Purpose Dark seems to like this place- looks yums.
Whisk Gourmet - Apparently they serve local veggies, and I think I went to high school with the guy that they said owns it.
Theine Tea - I am obsessed with tea.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Boys are Back in Town

The Jacuzzis are back in town from a July US tour. I heard they performed at a Pitchfork Festival after-party with King Khan in Chicago. Congrats, boys, that's awesome.
Come welcome them home this Friday!

chongas in chancs

Here are the many faces of Chongalicious. These chicks were two thumbs up, cute and funny. Here's John, Jessenia and I with the talented two. That last picture is just a gratuitous shot of that sock man. If you can, zoom into the crotch area. Something special.

happiest b-days, Myamah

I ended up attending both of my weekend suggestions. The Bar was mostly an uneventful five hours of evening drinking, which, as always, led to a long and eventful night.

The One-One-Two: Imagine Miami Reborn, Miami 112th B-day Party, presented by Camposition, was a very interesting event, and I have a bunch of pictures to tell the tale. This will end in 2 blogs, I imagine, picture-wise. For being "Miami's" birthday party, the event was wholly un-Miami in most ways but for the intensely overwhelming heat and humidity. There were all sorts of cretins, creatives, and perverts in costumes fit for the best Karen Black-circus-burlesque-Halloween party. Over on the left there was the scariest person in a painted sock at the event, and there below is Jasmine, the loveliest lady of the night in costume. The reason I say that the event was very un-Miami is that... let me say this gently... I think Miami is a beautiful place with much to offer in terms of creativity and cultural, but it is not a place that typically celebrates "otherness," or strangeness, as this night did. Don't get me wrong, I
loved the weird, I think we need more of that here in the MIA, but it was, in and of itself, a celebration not necessarily best suited for our sunny mecca of sexy. With that said, I thought the event was funny, and fun, and engaging. Most importantly, don't let me forget to mention that it was sponsored by Churchill's Pub, which was also named one of America's best bars by Esquire Magazine (as were Zeke's, the Deuce, and Jimbo's!). I'm putting up a separate Chungalicious blog-- they were fabulous.
Here were some other highlights: the incredibly talented Karl Ferrari on guitar, accompanied by flamenco dancing, Blowfly out of costume (he came out in costume spewing words like balls and pussy, afterward), and a very interesting dude dancing with the best dancer in the place, about 20 years his junior.

Friday, July 25, 2008

stuff you can do, if you want to

Tonight is The Bar's 10th anniversary in Coral Gables. Ladies' happy hour 5:30-7:30, every hour after will be another of their weekly special for one hour each. Out back there'll be a DJ, you'll get a raffle ticket at the door for free bottles of booze, and Presidente giveaways, too.

This was on the Sweat Records e-blast: JULY 26th @ JOSE MARTI BUILDING: Camposition presents "ONE-ONE-TWO: IMAGINE MIAMI REBORN" - MIAMI'S UNOFFICIAL 112TH SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!! Come see CLARENCE REID aka BLOWFLY, OTTO VON SCHIRACH, LA FORTUNA, TUMBAO, THE CHONGALICIOUS GIRLS, CIRC X, MANO SANTA, RUDI GOBLEM, FLIP SIDE KINGS, plus cheap drinks and tons more!! $10 donation cover benefits Camposition's 2008-2009 season and 801 projects.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Greek Court Rules Lesbians Are Not Just From Lesbos

Thanks to Eddie T. for passing this on to Miami, bro. Thanks, Eds, from me and all the lesbos but not so much from the Lesbos.

"ATHENS - A Greek court has dismissed a request by residents of the Aegean island of Lesbos to ban the use of the word lesbian to describe gay women, according to a court ruling made public on Tuesday." Read the rest here...

the dead and the angry

I've been sick and busy, so I couldn't write on two very important things that happened on Tuesday...

1. RIP Estelle Getty
You will be missed, hell, I already miss you! You were my favorite Golden Girl.

2. Christian Bale, otherwise known as my fantasy boyfriend, was arrested in the UK for "assault." I'm sure you all heard about this, and it's old news, but it turns out he pushed his mom out of his way after yelling at her, and then his mom and sis turned him into the cops on the day of his biggest movie premiere. Couldn't they have waited a few days before complaining about getting yelled at? To be frank, they sound like bitch #1 and bitch #2 to me. If I got in trouble with the law every time I shoved and/or yelled at people, I would never taste fresh air again. I know Bale's a big dude, but come on, he's your son/brother, and he's stressed, let it go! I'm sure all the other women in the world disagree with me, and maybe it's because I'm the most violent woman in the world, but I think that his mom sucks. And so does his sister. Jimmy, don't get any ideas about this one.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Oprah and hermaphrodites

Can someone please record Oprah on Friday, she's interviewing hermaphrodites. They're the most interesting people in the world, and I need to know more!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Weekend Update

On the way to the Jamie Lidell show, I was stuck in traffic on 395. I was running just on time for the show before it took me 45 minutes to drive 2.98 miles. No lie. We saw cop lights in the distance and as we neared the area where I was expecting extreme carnage, as what else would hold up hundreds of cars for an hour on the road? But all I saw this scene below: minor fender-benders and two lanes blocked off. Ridiculous and cruel. People were hopping out of their cars to piss on the side of the road. That's how long we were waiting.

So, when we finally got to the Beach, I parked easily and as I arrived at Heathrow Lounge, I noticed a line of people out front, and then a fire truck pulled up and three firemen went into the club as I stood wondering if I was going to miss the show. Apparently the fire alarm went off and the place was at capacity. Luckily I had tickets and a big mouth, and by the time we got in, we had only missed one song. The show was good, I thought, though a less impressed friend mentioned that she felt like she was at a Suenalo show. It was very "soulful," was the word she used, and to me this was a good thing, to her, not so much. I saw what she was getting at, but ultimately, the music was fun, and totally danceable. At one point Jamie Lidell offered the mike to the girl next to us, for her to sing into, and then, I guess because she didn't know the words, and she's obviously a nutcase drama queen, she fake fainted onto her friends. I didn't get a picture, but here's the bad coming off the stage:

I was determined to take a picture with one of the band members, so we attacked whomever exited the stage as we neared it, and it happened to be Jamie Lidell! I grabbed him and asked for a pic, and he was very cool about it. I love you, Jamie, you're cool.

In a non-related event, my brother was in town this weekend, and we spent a bunch of time in the sun. On Sunday, I went kayaking again, but this time, up at Morningside Park, which is only $5 per hour, per person. There are a few islands around there we paddled to, which were strewn with garbage. My friend and I felt the urge to clean up the earth, but instead we made our way over to the mansions, and attempted to peer into the windows.
We needed to clean the dirty bay water off of our bodies, so we went to South Beach for a dip. Let me tell you, it was the most beautiful beach day I've had in years. The sand was like baby powder, the water was just shallow enough and clear enough to see through. The waves were high, but not overwhelming. The water was warm, but not like kiddie urine. It was divine. There's Jimbo and Jesse basking in the beauty of Mother Earth, with a huge cruise ship, ploughing through the pristine nature, behind them.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Nancy Pelosi - coming to town

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, will speak about her new book Know Your Power: A Message to America’s Daughters on Wednesday, August 6 at Temple Judea, 5500 Granada Boulevard, Coral Gables, at 7:30pm- hosted by Books and Books. Pelosi will talk, take questions, and sign books. Tickets are required for this event, but free tickets are available at Books & Books.

I know a few angry Dems will be there to berate her. Join the fun.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I kind of want to be the only one going to this.

More good news for gays and people who like gays

Well, well, well. Who knew Massachusetts would be one of the pioneers in the gay rights movement? It makes me proud to be a former resident, and of good (possibly gay) New England stock. The Massachusetts State Senate repealed a law restricting couples from marrying in Mass. if their marriages aren't recognized in their home state. In other words, we can all marry same sex partners there, even if our own states are too ignorant to accept our gayness.
The big motivator for this decision was the desire for economic benefits from more weddings in their State. Not totally the most romantic reason, but hey, whatever it takes. This new openness to gay marriages almost makes me want to move to Northampton and marry a chick, just because I can.

Just for fun, how gay is this clip from the NY Times article:
Alan Van Capelle, the executive director of Empire State Pride Agenda, a gay rights group in New York, said that he could not speculate on the numbers and that “there are a certain percentage of people like myself” who will “wait till New York issues marriage licenses.”
But, he predicted “a lot of Jet Blue cancellations from LaGuardia to Laguna and some
Amtrak purchases from New York to Boston,” adding, “Tanglewood, the Red Lion Inn, how do you say no?”

Monday, July 14, 2008


HP TouchSmart
I know I'd find some way to screw up a touch screen.

Black Power?

What does everyone think about the cover of The New Yorker? Nice, huh? Stereotypes are funny? Right? I guess Obama's people think this satire thing has gone too far, they're not too thrilled with The New Yorker right now. I think this is the craziest, ballsiest image I've ever seen on the cover of a national magazine. I mean, it beats any naked pregnant woman.
I must ask, do you think they'd ever try a white man like this? I get it, it's poking fun at the right, but isn't it also putting a ton of negative energy out there that Obama doesn't need?
All in all, I like the Black Panther movement, Muslims are mostly cool, flag burning is your business. The one really disturbing thing in this image is Osama on the wall. That's just unnecessary. Really. Let's not even bring up the Obama name association. We just want to get the Republicans out of office, HELP, DON'T HURT. This kind of hurts.

One penis too many!

Baby born with penis on back... and front.
Nothing better than interesting people.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Art Walk Miami - July

I arrived late to the art walk, but I caught the end of a few things. Here is my friend Genevieve at Locust Projects, which is an ongoing piece by Jason Hedges, Lamb, about food. He roasted, wouldn't ya know, a lamb, and you can see the spit below. The Weather Channel said it'd be in the mid-70s, this was a cruel lie, it was 90 degrees, and the roasting fire made me feel like I was melting! But it was a lot of fun seeing street meat in a new way. Gen looks like she's really into that meat, huh?

Next, I ventured to the new 2020 space which isn't near 20th Street anymore, but on 36th, I think and N. Miami Ave. Here I am looking at a Smurf boner. Jay Hines made this great piece. It really makes you think about smurfs and boners and other things too (though mostly boners)!

This is just a gratuitous blood shot of Nick's finger. He knew I'd understand. I do. This is the type of shit that happens to me too!

I went to Churchill's for a bit for Strongbow and a laptop battle and then to PS14 right before I went home. Luckily Otto was performing when I got there and the show was lively as ever. I couldn't get a good picture, because I suck, but if you look closely you'll see an alligator head sticking up in the middle of this shot.

Rainy Days Up Biscayne

I stayed in on Friday night, hoping for a romp in the sweet MB waves the next morning, but Mother Earth wouldn't let me fully satisfy my water lust. I was in denial about the rain for about the first 5 hours after I woke up. I was certain that it'd clear up. I heard about $5 kayak rides at Morningside Park, and I drove up there, dodging lightning bolts, thinking, "it'll be sunny by the time I get there." Of course, it wasn't, there was nothing but dark hovering clouds and danger, so I ate like a ravenous wolf at Canela Cafe instead. Pictured here is the cafe Canela, which is yummy. It's like Starbucks, but good and not gross. Two of us ate a ton of food for only $26. I would order a soup from Canela for sure if I were you and I were eating there. I had about 20 rolls with the tasty garlic butter, which I scooped into my mouth on a spoon when no one was looking.
After, I went by C. Madeline's vintage store and tried on about 10 dress, the cheapest 10 in the store, all of which cost at least $100, except for one that wouldn't fit an anorexic 9 year old, which was $55. The only affordable items are minuscule, and everything else is unreasonably overpriced. The tiny thing was fine when I was thinner, but now that I have a huge derriere, it's just mean. It's great to look around there, and wonderful if you have $$$. My broke ass prefers Etsy.

At about 3:00, the rain let up a bit at the same time I happened to be driving by Oleta State Park which conveniently has a sign for kayaks out front. The ride was expensive - $30 for 1.5 hours - but it was worth it to get off of the land for a bit. Most of the ride takes you through a swampy mangrove passage, out onto the Bay and then back into the swamp. I didn't see much wildlife, as there were 100s of people around, but I saw a blue heron, which I have a picture of waiting to be developed on a disposable waterproof camera I bought on-site for $10. I would go go again, and again.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Dog Meat Off the Menu During Olympics

Roasted pups. Beware, this is gruesome, like as in it made me want to barf on my keyboard.
My father actually ate dog by accident when he was a medic in the Philippines during Vietnam. It didn't taste bad, but once he found out it was Fido on his tongue, he was a little grossed out.
Thanks for being so strange, Far East!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I express myself through my fart.

The (F)art walk is this Saturday (I know, I'm a child), and I this means there will be scores of wierdos, thirsty for free beverages, lurking around every corner of Wynwood. I will be one of these, soaking wet from the summer heat, and sucking down whatever vile booze or "wine" I manage to seek out.
There's this MAP Magazine party thing next to the Snitzer. If you can make out nothing else on the flyer, you will notice the Bombay Sapphire logo in the corner. Free. Yes, free.
I think I read that there's stuff going on, though don't quote me, at Snitzer, David Castillo, Emmanuel Perrotin, Locust Projects, Dorsch, and then lastly, at 2020. Last month I had a nasty-drink taster-session, starting with white wine, on to vodka, then vinegar, or something remarkably similar. I therefore ended up napping in my car at the end of the night before heading home. Wow. Fun, right? Not this week, I get paid tomorrow, so I'll be drinking Miller Lite before I even leave the house! That's right, living large (or at least living with a large-ass). I'll see you on the street.


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Long Log Cabin

You can buy your very own GAY REPUBLICAN CARDS. Thanks to my roommate for the heads up on these little nugs of greatness. "Wide Stance" is a nickname any man would envy, gay or straight. Am I right, boys?

Nerd Alert

This website is awesome: It tests your vocab knowledge and with every question you answer correctly, you give some starving people rice to eat! I like anything where I appear intelligent and am able to give back to the world in the process. Last night I fed half of Kenya. No lie! Kicks ass.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

This is a picture of Oly, Nathan and Danny L playing at MOCA last week. They had a really good time with it, and they rocked. After they performed, Rat Bastard made some noise for a mostly confused audience.

I saw 2 Live Crew, minus Uncle Luke... but they were pretty good anyway, and played a bit longer than I expected. If you notice in the picture, someone familiar... It was hilarious, because they wanted girls on stage, correction, they wanted girls with booties on stage, no wait... they wanted girls with fat asses that they knew how to shake on stage. However, the Money Shot hoes had no asses worth shaking, so I jumped on stage to show my gigantic derriere. The second I got up there, I was met with a boner grinding on my leg, by a braided black man. It's not a 2 Live Crew show if you're not molested by a man on stage.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Merman in Chelsea

Baby Squid's blog has a beautiful post of intense bizarreness.
Check out the sloppy beast.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Our Native Son: Miami Booty Bass

DON'T FORGET: 2 Live Crew at Vagabond on Thursday night. This is some SERIOUS Miami shit. In fact, you will definitely have to pop your "coochie," and you may want to don a pair of daisy dukes (Repo Crew video linked here for costume ideas). I once saw Uncle Luke at a Get Out The Vote event four years ago and man, was I star struck. See ya there.

Ladies and Captors!

This morning on AOL, I saw the headline: Poll Finds Obama's Wife More Disliked Than McCain's, which I believe, because white America is clearly not comfortable with women of color in power. The thing is though, that I clicked on the link and here's the new headline for that same article: Potential First Ladies Get Mixed Reviews. I know I'm not a morning person, but still, even I noticed that these two intros mean very different things. One implies that Michelle is not likable and the other simply states that neither lady is better liked. This, for me, is classic American mainstream media: Miami, bro Gets Mixed Messages from American Media. That's my headline for today.

OK, but here's the real goodie! I didn't think anything could follow up the genius of a gigantic Eddie Murphy head on the Jersey Turnpike, but this article almost matches up... Former Captor Says He'd Vote for McCain. While Tran Trong Duyet, who once held McCain captive in a POW camp for five years, denies that there was torture in these camps, and also has never met McCain on a post war visit to 'Nam (i.e. since he tortured him), he still wants us to vote for him. Hmm. Also, apparently good old Tran(ie) "claims the presumed Republican presidential nominee made up beatings and solitary confinement in an attempt to win votes." Mixed messages. What validity does this man have. Even McCain's people think this is bunk. They don't even want Tran's endorsement. Let's just end this and vote in Obama.
A lil' tidbit about GOP old boy: McCain was held in solitary confinement for over two years.
Tranie's a beauty:

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Prince Akeem, on the NJ scene, ya know what I mean.

My former co-worker and buddy, Loren M., snapped these beauties on the Jersey Turnpike just today! Let's celebrate the Murphy, he's one funny Eddie. It's so lifelike, too, isn't it? God bless America.

There's no art in Miami, bro. Or is there?

Below is a pirated video from the MOCA exhibit, Sympathy for the Devil, which was worth the $5 and drive up to North Miami. Read more about it in the Palm Beach New Times, since I don't feel like explaining. I just wanted to show the world this clip.
This is an amazing video by Mark Leckey, a British artist working with old dance footage from the UK. Here's a delightful clip:
Pedro Bell's drawings of Funkadelic four album covers for The Electric Spanking of War Babies were something to marvel at, even if you're not stoned! I liked this one for obvious reasons... it's a ton of fun.