He's two years younger than I am, chilling in Manhattan, going to see some Will Ferrell play and Madame Butterfly. "Well aren't you just livin' the life?" I lamented. Not jealous, since I know he spent a ton of time doing this same shit I'm doing, directionless.
He likened me to the Dude, which appealed to me. I am a bit Lebowski in that I have nothing to do but drink and bowl. Live off of my government checks.
When I was younger, I always shied away from competition. I know I have it in me, the desire to win, win, win. It comes out in scenarios involving mostly bitches and dudes. I always stop though, right before I feel I might win or lose, I give up, I can't seal the deal. I get all fired up in the moment, and then when it comes to committing to loss or acquisition, I just give up. Stop caring. I am truly a loser.
I went to Seven Seas for karaoke last night for a minute. I will always love it there. But last night, in my heavy self-hatred, I picked a Skid Row song that I could never sing; I'm not freaking Sebastian Bach, Broadway singer. I'm no-range me. As I was singing, all the loathing just consumed me. I almost said into the mike, "what am I DOING here? I am so fucking bored!"
This sentiment was echoed today when I was at my mother's friend's office, putting addresses into a database to help her out. I seriously started crying. I am again out of work, goalless, bored out of my mind. I have so little going for me and sadly, no real vision of where I might want to go.
At the same time I possess this sort of manic self-love where no one is good enough for me, no job appreciative enough. But to be quite honest, I am everything I want to be, in so many ways. I'm not one of those people who like to think they're too good for other people. No, I know what's good. And it's me, but I'm too much of a loser to prove it. So, there. Going nowhere.
I guess this relates to the blog in that it clarifies why I am currently lacking enthusiasm and the desire to write. I have nothing nice to say. So I might just keep my sad trap shut.