He's two years younger than I am, chilling in Manhattan, going to see some Will Ferrell play and Madame Butterfly. "Well aren't you just livin' the life?" I lamented. Not jealous, since I know he spent a ton of time doing this same shit I'm doing, directionless.
He likened me to the Dude, which appealed to me. I am a bit Lebowski in that I have nothing to do but drink and bowl. Live off of my government checks.
When I was younger, I always shied away from competition. I know I have it in me, the desire to win, win, win. It comes out in scenarios involving mostly bitches and dudes. I always stop though, right before I feel I might win or lose, I give up, I can't seal the deal. I get all fired up in the moment, and then when it comes to committing to loss or acquisition, I just give up. Stop caring. I am truly a loser.
I went to Seven Seas for karaoke last night for a minute. I will always love it there. But last night, in my heavy self-hatred, I picked a Skid Row song that I could never sing; I'm not freaking Sebastian Bach, Broadway singer. I'm no-range me. As I was singing, all the loathing just consumed me. I almost said into the mike, "what am I DOING here? I am so fucking bored!"
This sentiment was echoed today when I was at my mother's friend's office, putting addresses into a database to help her out. I seriously started crying. I am again out of work, goalless, bored out of my mind. I have so little going for me and sadly, no real vision of where I might want to go.
At the same time I possess this sort of manic self-love where no one is good enough for me, no job appreciative enough. But to be quite honest, I am everything I want to be, in so many ways. I'm not one of those people who like to think they're too good for other people. No, I know what's good. And it's me, but I'm too much of a loser to prove it. So, there. Going nowhere.
I guess this relates to the blog in that it clarifies why I am currently lacking enthusiasm and the desire to write. I have nothing nice to say. So I might just keep my sad trap shut.
9 comments:
It's cool. Its always darkest before the dawn. Of course it helps if you raise the blinds.
maybe if you practiced this quote in your real-life you wouldn't be so miserable:
"I have nothing nice to say. So I might just keep my sad trap shut."
Look in the mirror your worth a lot more than you think. So you can't hit Sebastian's notes, who can except him. :-) Your life is yours to choose what you will do with it. I'm sure its not lame or boring as you think. Everyone has worth as do you, keep your chin up you'll get there!
Bell
Your sad state makes me feel better about my shitstate of affairs. But eldesparcido is right, jusr raise those blinds.
Alex
Thanks, friends.
I had a really shitty day, but it improved. It just took awhile.
Anon #1, are you my mom? Mom? Yes?
you deserve your misery you self-loathing bitch.
I think I agree with "Frankie," even though you have a really gay name.
I'm sorry I've been neglecting to read your blog. I feel your pain.
everything about this perfect in its honesty and hilarity. it further affirms the reason our friendship.
also-all the haters can eat a dick.
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