You know you're in Miami when...

you call flip-flops chancletas
you wear chancletas EVERYWHERE
you live 15 minutes from the beach, but you never go
the car behind you honks their horn because you stopped at a red light
you get mad if the DJ doesn't play salsa, meringue, bachata, or reggaeton at a party
you buy your party food at Blue Sky
you refer to your hometown as 305 or MIA
you know you can't get a job without speaking Spanish
you know you can't really get anywhere without speaking Spanish
you only go to a Marlins, Heat, or Dolphins game if they're on a winning streak
you instinctively buy gallons of water during hurricane season, just in case
you hope for a hurricane to come so you don't have to go to work/school
you know only tourists go clubbing on South Beach
you spend your summer days inside because it's hot as hell outside
you're so used to craziness that very few things surprise you anymore
you want to move out of Miami some day, but you say you'll come back
you know never to buy mangoes or avocados at a grocery store because you grow them in your backyard
you go to a store/business and the manager tells you "hablas espanol?" because they barely can speak English
you know your pastelitos
you know that Argentinians make the best steak for the best prices
you bump into Trick Daddy everywhere
you know to be out of Downtown by 6 pm
you have to wait 4 hours for a bus to come that's supposed to come by every 30 minutes
it's 60 degrees outside and you wear a sweater, a jacket, gloves, a scarf, a hat, and boots
you know the only time there's no traffic on the Palmetto is from 3-4am
you know at least one person who has more than six people living in their houses
your neighbor keeps chickens and goats in their back yard, and you're always worried you'll find one of them dead on your doorstep
you know the only hills are trash hills the only rivers you've seen are the Miami River and canals
you know any woman walking around after dark on Flagler or Biscayne is a prostitute
you own a guayabera or know what one is
you take your car to go one block down the street
you buy mamoncillos & limes while waiting in traffic
a light lunch consists of chicharrones and malta Hatuey
you see a sushi bar on every corner
you get your chicken from Pollo Tropical
your shrimp, lobster, and designer purses all come from one place: some guy's trunk in Hialeah you see girls wearing clubbing clothes to go to 7-11
there's a Navarro on every corner
you have to put on the invitations, "starts at 2:30pm," when the event really starts at 3:30pm just so people actually get there on time.