Too poor to eat out, but I can dream, thanks New Times for rubbing it in

Best of New Times Miami came out on Thursday and it's online. If you happen to pick up one made of tree corpses, you may notice a familiar face in there. I'm not saying who, but he's a cutie!

Growing up, this annual review was always a big deal for me. Probably because I'm lazy and argumentative, and I want someone else to tell me what they think before I even bother with something and if you did it first, I can tell you you're wrong about whatever it was you thought. I'm a real sweety!

One year I went to Nemo on the Beach just because the New Times deemed it to have the best desserts, and lemme tell you---yummy. However, these days, my budget is as tight as my jeans, and yes, I overeat, but I can't afford to eat out as much. Instead, this issue just reminds me what a poor porker I am, unable to enjoy the unique cuisine and entertainment Miami has to offer. I'm posting some comments anyway.

Some I agree with this year are:

Best Basel Headline Grab by a Local Artist Maite Josune--- Go Maite!

Best Drag Queen Elaine Lancaster--- she's really the only Miami drag queen, right?

Best Local Clothing Designer Nektar De Stagni--- fancy schmancy

Best TV News Anchor Dwight Lauderdale--- his name is great, it's not quite Wolf Blitzer or Evan Bacon, but it'll do for So FLo.

Best Display of Wealth The Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts of Miami-Dade County--- impressive, truly.

Best Hotel Jamaica Motel--- a Calle Ocho paridise. Don't forget to tell your out of town cousins that this is the BEST HOTEL, you know, if you're paying for sex and renting by the hour.

Best Hotel to Pretend You're a Guest Sagamore Hotel--- I've done this twice at the Sagamore, pre-renovations and post. Let me tell you- it was pretty strange and neat before they made it magnificently beautiful. There were like three or four single beds in a room, single file, separated by curtains. It offered that classic, WTF-Miami Beach-glowin' with the oldies vibe.

Best Place for a First Date Upper Eastside Garden--- every time I go here, I have a great time and get just wasted enough to not hate myself the next day.

Best Place to Eat in Peace Miami City Cemetery--- oddly enough, I have actually done this.

Best Place to Nurse a Hangover Jimmy's Eastside Diner--- on the north side.

Best Politician Joe Garcia--- goooooo Dems!!!

Best Cookies The Lost & Found Saloon--- bluberry beer.

Best Acoustic Musician Rachel Goodrich--- surprisingly un-Miami, talented, fun to watch. It's great how she looks like a pre-teen and sings like a sexy sex kitten.

Best Local Album Cover Artist Arnold Steiner--- cool guy, awesome art.

Best Local Solo Musician José El Rey--- nice dude, fun performances (see old posts for pics).

Best Neighborhood Bar/Central PS14--- I have to say, even though I love it there, it's painful for me to continue going to PS all the time. I've overdone it. However, I do think that PS14 is the best place to go out in Miami that allows for dancing. That's a big compliment. And, of course, the people that work there kick ass (figuratively), and even though they often want to kick my ass out, they often show me mercy (thanks guys). I promise to try and not throw pool balls, cues or drinks at people in PS anymore. Aw.

Best New Bar The Vagabond--- this should be Best Reopened Bar.

Best Open-Mike Night Can You Rock a Little Softer? (CYRALS)--- Raffa is so talented and her night is really refreshing. I am so glad that they're bringin' the folk (see old posts for when Ravelstein ripped it up at CYRALS).

Best Chain Restaurant Chipotle Mexican Grill--- one of the best things I learned in NYC.

Best Chefs Michelle Bernstein and Michael Schwartz--- I like Michael's selection better and Michy's desserts.

Best Diner S&S Diner--- good old S&S. Those waitresses there really know how to smoke, flirt with customers and put their painted tips straight into your mashed potatoes. Two thumbs up for a real diner!

Best Ethiopian Restaurant Sheba Ethiopian Restaurant--- they can finally add this category.

Best Food Court Dadeland Mall--- can you say Chik-fil-A (heavenly sauces).

Best French Restaurant Le Bouchon du Grove--- but so expensive.
Best Japanese Restaurant Domo Japones--- also really expensive, but tasty. The Poma Domo cocktail was the only billion dollar drink worth tasting.

Best Restaurant in South Miami-Dade Café Pastis--- my parents love this joint.

Best Vietnamese Restaurant Hy Vong--- limpin' lesbians! This place is off the chain! Good beer selection, too!

Best Place to Buy a Rubber Dog Turd La Casa de los Trucos--- this is just the best place on earth, probably.

Best Record/CD Store Sweat Records--- not much competition in Miami for indie music stores, but Sweat is pretty awesome and even better now that they're open late next to Churchill's, everything in tact.

DUBIOUS:

Best Place to Meet Single Men Wynwood Arts District Walk--- or rather: Best Place to Meet Men and Their Beards

Best Concert Iggy & the Stooges--- let's just say that I left this show to see Cocorosie and Karen Black perform at the Raleigh under the stars. We had free bottles of vodka, glasses of champagne and boxes of Mac makeup. Iggy, you and the Stooges lose.